Vicar's Letter

November 2024

Reverend Joy Cousans, vicar of the Church of St Mary The Virgin, Eaton Bray with Edlesborough.

My niece is currently in Mexico where she is looking forward to joining in 'The Day of the Dead' celebrations. El Día de los Muertos is a holiday traditionally celebrated on November 1st and 2nd. Family and friends gather to pay respects and remember friends and family members who have died. These celebrations can take a humorous tone, as celebrants remember amusing events and anecdotes about the departed. Although we don't mark 1st and 2nd November in the same way in the UK, the church calendar celebrates All Saints' Day on 1st November. We give thanks for the lives of the saints who have brightened the world with their good and sometimes quirky lives. The following day, 2nd November is All Souls' Day when we recall all those who have died and give thanks for their lives.

Remembering those we have loved and lost is important. To do so communally provides support, and encourages the sharing of memories. Some of those memories will be amusing as well as poignant. As we remember, we also reflect on our own mortality. This is something which the church is well placed to do. I lost my Dad at the very end of last year. His death was unexpected and the process of grieving his loss has been profound. I am very grateful that he initiated a conversation about a year before he died when we discussed in detail what he wanted for his funeral and where he wanted to have his ashes laid to rest. I also went with him to get his Will updated.

We had already set up Power of Attorney for finance and health. Having made these preparations meant that things could flow smoothly after he died. The other thing which really helped both me and my sisters was having a funeral service at the church in Hitchin where my Dad worshipped. Lots of people came to see him off. They included family from Northern Ireland, friends from all stages of his life and fellow residents of the retirement apartments where he lived. Following the uplifting service, we were able to look at photos and reminisce, sharing lots of different memories together. For most communities in the world, grief is a shared endeavour.

Funerals are a time to gather together to support one another. I am disturbed by the trend towards cremations where people are whisked off to a distant crematorium for a cremation with no family or friends present, no opportunity to share grief, no possibility of publicly marking the passing of a person in the community where they lived. Holding death at arms' length doesn't make it go away. And it can make the process of grieving the one who has died far more lonely and painful.

As we approach 'the day of the dead' perhaps this is an opportunity to think about things we want to share with our loved ones about how we would like our funeral to be. My Dad was a wise man and he was very clear that the funeral service was for the benefit of the living not the one who had died. If you would like help to talk about this difficult subject, please get in touch with me or someone from St Mary's Pastoral Team. We will be glad to help.

Every blessing,

Joy, Vicar of Eaton Bray with Edlesborough