Vicar's Letter

February 2025

Reverend Joy Cousans, vicar of the Church of St Mary The Virgin, Eaton Bray with Edlesborough.

People say that 21st century society is obsessed with sex. The Victorians were obsessed by death. Following the death of her beloved husband, Prince Albert, Queen Victoria dressed in full mourning apparel for the rest of her life. During the Victorian era, there were long lists of rules and regulations regarding death, burial and mourning. Not to follow these rules was regarded as dishonouring the deceased. Because dying was frequent, people began planning for it while they were young. As Dr Marilyn Mendoza writes in Psychology Today, 'Dying was an open and ongoing conversation.' This meant that as death approached there was no ambiguity. The family knew in advance what type of coffin to buy, where the person wanted to be buried and what they wanted to wear. Women frequently made their own shrouds and some even included them in their wedding dowry!

Etiquette rules were many and complicated but they did provide a framework for how to behave when someone died. The Victorians had three distinct mourning periods; deep or full mourning; second mourning and half mourning. The length of the period for each depended on your relationship with the deceased. For example, a widow was required to spend two years in full mourning. She had to wear black and black crepe was draped across the door and hung on the doorknob so everyone knew the status of the person within.

In the second phase of mourning, women were allowed to wear jewellery. It was common to have mourning jewellery made from the hair of the deceased. This was another trend started by Queen Victoria on the loss of Albert. Dr Mendoza compares this to our attitude to mourning today. "No one would ever think of telling a mourner that they had grieved long enough or that they should hurry up and get over it. But this is often what is told to mourners today. We are less tolerant of people's grief." That is certainly my experience in working with bereaved families. Other people cannot cope with their grief and don't want to be confronted with the notion of death. Dr Mendoza concurs. "Over the years we have become a society that does not want to think or talk about death. Perhaps the most important thing we can learn from the Victorians is their openness in talking about planning for death. It does not need to be the focus of our lives as it was for them, but we do need to have these important conversations."

St Mary's Pastoral Group invite you to come to a 'Funeral Forethought Forum.' This will be held at St Mary's church on Saturday 15th February starting at 10am and finishing around 12 noon. The workshop will have input about planning for funerals and from a Hospice Chaplain about choices around dying. There will be the opportunity, within a supportive and informal group, to explore the various issues and options surrounding funeral planning. I do hope you will give some thought to attending this session. There is no need to book; just turn up. There will be practical advice and the opportunity to record your thoughts on paper. And of course there will be plenty of coffee and cake! Death is something we will all face. I think it is a kindness to our family and friends for us to begin the preparations so they have some guidance for what can be a very challenging time with lots of decisions to be made.

With every blessing,

Joy, Vicar of Eaton Bray with Edlesborough